Wednesday, May 14, 2008
A Season for Grieving
I turned 26 years old since I last posted on here, and I feel old. While I celebrate the 26 years of life God has given me, I also grieve the fact I can no longer check the age box that says 21-25. I now have to check the box that says 26-30. There’s just something about being categorized with a 30 something that makes me feel old. Not that 30 is old and not that I’m old. I realize this. Regardless of the truth, some ages just make you feel, old ya know? Maybe I’ll feel young again when I’m 27. Who knows?It seems like 2008 has been a year for separation…a season of death of sorts. My Grandpa John passed away in March. While I know he’s in heaven and out of pain, I still miss him. And then more recently Andy and Elissa moved to Wisconsin. It all came about rather suddenly. Andy lost his construction job due to a poor economy and several weeks later secured a job in Wisconsin near Elissa’s parents. It’s a great opportunity for them, and I’m excited for the possibilities this job may offer them. At the same time, I miss not having them only 45 minutes away. It was nice knowing they were there if I needed anything or if I just wanted to take a little road trip to see them and get some family time in. Now my little road trip has been lengthened by at least 4 hours. While I grieve that they are no longer close, I’m so thankful for the season we did have to live near each other. It was wonderful to be able to get to know Elissa…which wouldn’t have happened as easily if they lived further away. And it was wonderful to be able to be there through Elissa’s pregnancy with Joshua and to celebrate his birth and much of his first year of life. He’s really too cute for his own good. I’m going to miss that little guy. He brings so much joy to my heart. I believe the Lord has given me the gift of a deeper friendship with both Andy and Elissa over the last few years and that is priceless and will last even through the miles of separation. Word has it that where I lost a brother and sister-in-law, I’m gaining a cousin! You see, Dean and Amy have been appointed to pastor my home church in Gas City. So, it looks like I’ll still have a tie to those parts after all. I look forward to visits with them. And, Lord willing, in January Betsy and Gerson will be home from Bolivia and will be settling somewhere in Indiana for at least a year. I look forward to having them close by as well.
And even more recently than Andy and Elissa moving I’ve experienced another separation that brings me to a whole new level of grief. After much prayer and seeking counsel, Josh and I broke up. We agreed it’s not the right timing to continue moving forward. While I know this is God’s will and that we are in the right place, my heart is still broken. Even in the midst of the peace God’s given me, tears flow freely and sometimes my chest hurts so much it feels like it could explode. Apparently extreme emotional stress can release enough adrenaline to literally stun the heart into mimicking the symptoms of a heart attack. The good news is there’s no physical damage to the heart. The bad news is it takes time to feel better. I’m learning a whole new side of patience these days. The tears come swiftly, when I’m least expecting them, even in public, and I get so frustrated just wanting this season of grief to be over. But my wise friend, Jess, reminded me of God’s promise in Matthew 5:4 that says, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” There’s nothing to be ashamed of in my tears and it’s a part of my healing process. So even though it’s rather inconvenient at times, I just let them come. I’m also reminded that God makes everything beautiful in His time. He’s already given me so much through my time in dating Josh and has been at work making something beautiful all along. Indeed, he’s already made many things beautiful out of our relationship on so many levels. And I’m trusting he will continue to make something beautiful out of this, even now in all the pain and anguish. I’m waiting on the Lord and trust his Word will not come back void. I’m claiming Psalm 147:3 over my own life. It says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” I keep asking God what it is he wants me to learn in this season of grief, because I know there’s a lesson in here somewhere. There is purpose in all of this. Psalm 138:8 says, “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever, do not abandon the works of our hands.” I believe the Lord has not abandoned me and will fulfill his purpose in me.
I take comfort in Ecclesiastes 3:4 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” I trust the laughing and dancing are on the horizon. The beauty of spring outside gives me hope of a new life to come. I’m just trying to keep myself in the position to experience joy again. My family, friends and co-workers have blessed me in many ways giving me brief moments to experience joy again whether it be through lending a listening ear, giving me a shoulder to cry on, offering a prayer filled with hope, speaking an encouraging word, giving an embrace, or even surprising me with a gift of flowers to cheer my sorrowful state. I’m so thankful for everyone’s support and love...don’t know how I would make it without ya’ll. I have much to be thankful for...even for this season of grieving.
Jamie at 9:59 PM
1 Comments
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at 9:38 PM
said... don't hold your breath on feeling younger at 27. . .i was in some serious denial last year :) on a more serious note, i'll be praying during this season of change!
